I am only human

Just call stranger. Started off without knowing what to say. Stutter a bit here and there. And then when my voices goes on and on.. my rattle started. Ended with a slightly peace of mind.

Stranger: You sounded lost..

Me: ( surprised) Yeah…I am.

….

Me: I feel pathetic to call and talk to a stranger. Made me feel like I have no friends to talk to.

Stranger: What do u think? Do you really feel this way too? Or is it because others think this way?

Me: I don’t know.. I just need to cling on to someone. I can’t talk to my family now. My friend is in China now. I need to talk to someone badly now but I cant do it with my friends. Am i being too dependent on others?

Stranger: It’s only human to feel this way. You can call here as much as you want if you still don’t think it’s a problem.

……………….

It’s only human to feel lonely. It’s only human. I forgot that I am a human. After struggling and giving up so many times, I have condemmned myself countless times and those condemnations are stupid because I should have reminded myself that I am only human. I am only human.

Laughing and being crazy with my friends in school is something that i really cherish and enjoy doing right now. All of them are real. In fact, all my feelings are so real that I sink into them most of the time. BAD HABIT.

I fear.

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2 different worlds

Here I am, wearing my pink Pj pants and my TP orientation baggy yellow t-shirt, listening to Strong Enough ( by Stacie Orico), typing…

and with that irritating humming coming from that living room….. I had no choice but to blast my ears with music despite my left ear is hurting and it’s giving me problems.

I felt a sense of satisfaction though – Completed my Comm Skills outline.

and now… there comes the hands knocking on the table + humming….

and I feel like crying.

Like what my dear Gordon uncle said ( i tend to call him that cos he looks like my old pal – gor ), crying is good. A way of detoxifing yourself. That’s why he never scolds his daughter when she cries.

———–

Supposed to go for a “reunion dinner” today at Liv’s house. But I decided to give it a miss. Decided to stay home and strive to be like “Rory”. If it fails, I guess I will end up soaking myself in movies in Nabolisters. Speaking of movies, I just watched Bride of Wars with demon yesterday. I love it. The setting of the movie. The actresses and I recognised one of the co-stars, Chris Patt. He’s from Everwood and he’s changed! Looks so much older. I think is the short hair.

And from that movie, I discovered Priscilla Ahn’s Dream.  

——————–

and there she walks to my sis’s side and stared at her and then strolled to the kitchen…

and there she is humping in the kitchen……..

and my eyes are wet.

————————

and also Duffy’s I’m Scared. Great song to listen as you walk down the streets. Would be even better if u are wearing a thick brown jacket, short skirt and boots/ spag. stripes with jeans / long skirt with tied up hair and a scarf….( just anything that you will feel pretty, feminine and confident in it )and the weather is breezy and there’s no one but you. You smiling to yourself. Walk with rather bouncy and steady pace.

Ah…. I feel better now. If can, check out Colbie Caillat-Something Special .

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CNY 2009

Feels like CNY has over. Hmmm.. the good thing is, at least I feel the festive Chinese New Year spirit compared to last year. More interactions. More photo-taking. More family gatherings. More confident. Oh…and definitely, more tan family car – drama. Haha.

Over the past 3 days, I had fun with my cousins and I think i really want to meet up with them more often. I think it will do me good. Make me laugh more. Make me childish more. Make me feel strong again. Make me feel more me. =)

I think this year’s new year cos I ve spent a good amount of time with my family members. Not just with my own family, my relatives whom I have not met or talked for many months.

And sometimes, I just wish I can just say everything out.

Er Jie and Me

The ladies.

The big family. – Mother side. Not everyone present though.

The cousins.

Tan Family.

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Thinking of you

Just had project meeting in school today. I woke up and thanks to my dear father, I got to school real soon. Terrence asked me if I had just got back from a slumber party. I stared at him. Because I was wearing a really huge t-shirt and shorts and my specs. I looked as if I had just woke up. ( it’s a fact anyway) Hmmm…come to think of it, my self esteem has really increased over the months. Haha… I don’t think I would wear until like this to anywhere in the past. Ah…the past. Whatever lah. Heh.

Then Terrence and I had a long chat at the bus stop after the meeting today. I didn’t expect that our conversation would cover such a huge scope. Haha.. it’s great anyhow. Got to know him better. He got really shocked when I told him about my past. Hmm.

Anyway! Recently I think I am really into artists with mezzo voices… Katy Perry is not bad. Listen to this song.

p/s: but do bear in the mind that the lyrics ain’t me. Heh.

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Are u avoiding me?

I realised that someone is avoiding me?

I hope I am just overly sensitive.

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Everything

曲：王力宏 词：王力宏 小寒

故事里的 起承转合 有一些忘记
做了多少错误的选择
原来波折 才暗示着 该走的方向
指引你我来到这一刻

就算别人都说 我们没什么出息
不可能会这样轻易放弃

Cause You’re My Everything
就一个原因 让我勇敢面对这个世界
想给你Everything
不管用多少个明天 永远从此刻开始算起
你的爱是我的Everything

遥远天际 巧合相遇 有多少几率
多少烟火 坠落无痕迹
因为幸福 没有捷径 难免要绕道
不被看好越是要走到

就算别人都说 我们没什么出息
不可能会这样轻易放弃

你就是Everything
就这个原因 让我勇敢面对这个世界
想给你Everything
只要你说一声愿意 所有的未来才有意义
你的爱是我的Everything

Cause You’re My Everything
就一个原因 让我勇敢面对这个世界
想给你Everything
不管用多少个明天 永远从此刻开始算起

你就是Everything
就如这个原因 我会永远记住这种感觉
想给你Everything
只要你说一声愿意 所有的未来才有意义
你的爱是我的Everything

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It’s freezing cold down here, in the lib…. I would rather go down to one of the tables outside the lecture halls. Can eat and use com and study at the same time. But all plugs and tables are bound to get used by the students as this is end of the semester. Ppl are rushing for their projects.

And, I am still hanging on. Cos I am waiting for u to come back.

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Rants + Cheena girl w no technology! =P

All along in my life, I have been emotionally dependent on someone. Not the same person though as people in your life just keeps changing. It’s time for me to stop doing that because it’s extremely risky and unstable. I may just snap anytime whenever that person is not beside me. So i need to quit this habit. But it’s easier said than done.

Just spoken to Ej on the phone. She’s in China and apparently, she’s at her grandparents’ house which is at countryside. Meaning = NO TECHNOLOGY for her. haha! She brought her 3kg laptop all the way there, her switch and stuff and realised that the plug is totally different from Singapore’s. Poor girl. But we both are gonna get utterly broke when she returns because of the calls…. ….

It’s nice though, that she’s back in China for Chinese New Year. She has always wanted to go back home.

As for me, ah…..i am dying and struggling in my thoughts. My sea of negative thoughts. My deep pool sea of thoughts + negative emotions. AH!

How on earth did i manage to finish secondary school!! I dun wanna study lah! I hate studying and homework! SERIOUSLY. I may sound like a ah lian now…. ( What defines ah lian anyway….) but i so wanna go clubbing ( demon just spoke about it! hehe ) now and just drink and dance and forget lah……, i so wanna go out to town to just walk and see the night lights, i wanna go to the airport and look at people and listen to music all by myself, i so wanna just stay in the room and lie on the bed and cry for hours and hours….

I really should call someone now.

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